


take me

by hardlystraight



Category: The Get Down (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, I'M WRITING IT, M/M, Masturbation, Mostly Fluff, Multi, Painting, Top!Thor, WIP, YALL WERE TOO KIND, and minimal angst, bottom!dizzee, coming to terms with bisexuality, explicit content, fine i followed the sex on a canvas trope sue me, homophobic slurs tw, i'm calling her harriet and she's the love of my life, i've got an ot3 thing going on but harriet is a mostly platonic addition to their relationship, just gonna update the tags i'll post it within the week, look they didn't even give her a name, mild feminisation, painting and ... orgasms??, pov dizzee, the focus is totally on dizzee x thor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8169649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardlystraight/pseuds/hardlystraight
Summary: Dizzee gets overwhelmed at the club, and feels a gentle introduction to this new world would suit him better.title from misty holloway's "far far away" pakoussa remix





	1. conventionality belongs to yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> ngl i'm gonna rub my gay little hands all over this saga
> 
> quickly:
> 
> the relationship between the three of them is outlined in the fic but if you want it now :
> 
> harriet has a number of partners, gender/s unspecified, with whom she is in various types and stages of relationships. she and thor are interested in each other romantically, but don't seek anything more than casual intimacy with each other, so they're basically best friends who like each other a lot and kiss.  
> thor is much more conservative with his dating, and tends to have one or two partners every few months.  
> dizzee is sorting out the terrain, enjoys harriet's company and lipstick, and enjoys thor romantically. he and thor are involved, and he and harriet are best friends who kiss for the fun of it. all three are attracted to multiple genders and the arrangement is 100% safe & consensual.

When Thor's lips slide away, Dizzee is left in a breathless high that seems both raw and synthetic.  He's amazed - not because it's different; the precise opposite.  Thor's mouth under his, the warm push and pull of lips and the brush of tongue … it isn't different at all.  Kissing boys feels the same as kissing girls.  Thor holds the perfect balance between yielding and pressing, he knows how to tip their faces just right … he keeps their noses bumping for a few seconds after … there is no revelation that he likes Thor, likes  _boys_.  It just is.  He kisses Thor and then he kisses his new friend and they taste remarkably similar.  They kiss differently, but at the same time, almost identically.  There is no "kissing boys" and "kissing girls", just  _kissing_.

 

* * *

 

 

He's in his head again, at breakfast, and it takes Ra Ra three tries to bring him out.

"Hey, hey!  Dizzee!  What you thinking about?" Dizzee pushes the rush of warmth that comes with the memory of Thor's teeth.  He wants to tell Ra.  He wants to tell his dad.  He wants to scream from the rooftops,  _I sat for hours talking and kissing and painting with a God_ , but it comes out as;

"New piece.  It's gonna be great Ra,"

"Gonna be great in your mind.  Everyone's gotta be at school today.  Dad's orders." Boo says from beside Ra.  "An the rest of the week too.  Gimme the milk, Dizz,"  _Rest of the … ?_  Dizzee has  _plans_.  He has places to be and pieces to maintain and artwork to create.  People to meet.  Dizzee hands over the milk.

 ~*~

Dizzee walks behind his brothers and slips quietly into his memories.  His feet carry him while his head hangs in the clouds, easily sorting to find _that night_.  It's so vivid, so unlike his routine of school and art and practicing with his brothers.  It's flashing purple smoke and neon pink lights.  It's freedom of expression unlike he's ever seen before.  It's dozens of hands raised in euphoria and rocking to an orchestral disco beat... hands painted with henna and nail polish and covered in jewelry. 

Dizzee prides himself on his composture - he is the eldest after all, the one relied on to keep his head on straight and to always remain impassive.  He watches from the sidelines and examines his environment, diffuses tension when it surfaces, guides his brothers when they need it, then retreats to his corner, to observe.  He doesn't protect them from the physical plane like a parent or proper older sibling, which is why he has a reputation of ... well.  His parents don't completely trust him with his younger brothers, so Yolanda is almost always in charge.

'Only give from a full cup,' is what his older cousin told him at a family dinner once, and it sort of stuck with him.  Taking care of himself meant taking care of others, so he facilitated a stand-offish personality that protected others as much as it did him.  And when you were helping your brothers on an emotional and spiritual plane, you had to have your head on straight.

And it had worked well, seven years running. He thought he had every part of his life sorted out - work, family and leisure - he knew what to do when his siblings were fighting and when people start taking sides, when money got tight or if his parents were short with them.  He knew how to hand in shit that would get him a good mark, he could walk the line and do what they tell him even if it kills his spirit a little bit each time.  He knows his art, inside and out, he knows escape routes and weak spots and police patrol schedules like the back of his hand, but this?  Sex and gender and freedom?  He isn't too proud to admit that it scares him a little, not knowing how to respond or present himself, not being able to quickly observe and understand the situation because s _o much is happening!_   It shatters his decision to remove himself from what is happening because he doesn't want to observe, he wants to do he wants to jump head first and dance with those beautiful, beautiful people and kiss ..fuck.

 

He wants to kiss Thor again.

He wants to put his hands on those shoulders, that waist, twist his fingers in that golden hair.  He wants to sit for hours making out with him.  Making out with ... him.  Fuck, he knew he was into men before Thor, but this was ... something else.  Thor was someone he had known, someone he had admired, someone who truly saw the quiet and powerful soul that he held within him.  Someone who brought him to a club where the music, the lights, the dancing ... It all existed on a different level, yet, he'd been dumped into the stars and expected to fly.  Like those little baby birds that get tossed out of the nest.  Not that he was complaining.  Far from it, Dizzee mused, running a finger over his lips.

He has so many questions.  Those thoughts he would have, those desires.  For nail polish and dresses and makeup.  For men.  He knew they weren't wrong, he had caught glimpses of such a lifestyle in his everyday routine - a library DVD, cover scratched and faded but reading "Nicht der Homosexuelle ist pervers, sonders die situation in der er lent,", mentions of parades and marches in San Fransico and Los Angeles.  Then, the worse things.  Boys calling each other fags, a girl being outed at school for being gay and her subsequent suicide.

Dizzee has seen a body in an alley once, three years ago, and he almost thought the figure was dead.  Then, a long groan and the person, a woman, he figured, managed to get to her knees, then her feet with his help.  She adjusted her bust roughly - she was in a shimmery black dress with spaghetti straps, and the force with which she moved them made Dizzee's eyes pop out of his head.

"Are they okay?" he asked, young and unsure whether breasts could be dislocated.  The lady offered him a small smile, lip busted.

"I should hope so, they cost a fortune."  Her voice was a gentle baritone, and as soon as she was steady in her three-inch stilettos, he let go of her waist.  The woman gestured to something on the ground and he looked - a ratty pink feather boa.  "Grab that for me, will you darling?" She asked, clearly still winded and clutching her abdomen.  He did, wrapped it behind her neck and smiled.  She gave him another one in return, despite a bloody nose, split lip and a harsh bruise interrupting the shiny highlight of her cheekbone, she really was radiant. 

"You're very pretty," he had said, and she laughed.

"Into girls, huh?  Could have fooled me with those lovely pants." He was in some three-quarter jeans with patches hand sewn in.  He'd accidentally stabbed himself a few times in the process, but it was worth it.

"Do you need help getting somewhere?" She shook her head and reached with her left hand for her purse, wincing and exhaling harshly through her teeth.

"Can you hold this, though?  Just a second, I promise." Dizzee obediently held up a small mirror and the lady touched up her lipstick and did something else with a sponge.  It didn't hide the bruise, but whatever she did managed to obscure it slightly and it was dark anyway. 

"Sorry for keeping you.  I'm sure you have to get home, uh-"

"Marcus," he said, handing her back the mirror.  "And are you sure I can't still help you?" She gave him a look, one both exasperated and surprised at the same.

"My darling, you have done more than enough-" she plucked the mirror out of his hands, "now go home.  And, actually, here," she took out a notepad and scribbled an address in lipstick.  With sharp acrylic nails, she tore the paper off and held it out.

"I perform Friday nights at 8, and if you ever need a place to crash, I owe you big time.  I used my favourite lipstick for this, so don't lose it."  Dizzee held the paper reverently and nodded.  She gave him a kiss on the cheek, then strutted away, a barely noticeable limp in her step.

 

This isn't pain, though, this is love.  It's nearly 50 people crammed into a small club, all-knowing and celebrating that innate ... thing inside him, inside everyone, the desire for more than what is allowed.  And then ... allowing it, all at once.

He has _so_ many questions.  Everything he thought has been tossed to the ground, stomped on.  Dizzee most certainly is not used to it, he knows that he did not feel quite inside his body at the club, like he was simply a vessel for reacting, but it's good for him, Dizzee decides.  Reminds him of the universe, inconstant, like a phoenix, constantly rising from its own ashes … _finding new form_ ** _._** Fuck, this boy was inside his head.

Regardless, Dizzee knows he needs some time before he goes back to an "art party", he thinks the dancing and the pills and the music and the kissing was too much at once.  It shakes him up, not in a good or bad way, just ... displaces every part of him.  It feels good ... in the moment.  But he needs to settle before he can be taken apart again.

 ~*~

"Ecotone," Says Miss Collins, holding a stick of chalk between her thick fingers.  Dizzee feels his skin tingle as he imagines seeing Thor again, meeting in the tunnels, holding hands on the tracks, pressing up against the walls, making beautiful art together.  Dizzee uses his empty ballpoint pen to scratch his mark into the desk he's at.  _R…u…m…i…4…1…_

"Marcus Kipling," the voice is sharp and hard.

"Yes, Miss,"

"Can you read out chapter 3.1 of the textbook," Dizzee gestures to his three pens and short pencil, sitting alone on the desk.

"I haven't got a textbook,"

"Then how have you been following what the class has been reading about?" Miss Collins doesn't seem to want to make fun of him.  She looks concerned.

"I've been listening, Miss."

"Marcus, what are the- " The bell rings gleefully at the front and Dizzee let out a breath.  Saved by the bell.  He scoops his pens into his paint bag and sits the pencil half on his ear, half in his hair.  Miss Collins puts a hand on his desk as he gets up.  "Ecotone, Kipling, what is it?"

"I don't know Miss, I-" he checks the blackboard in case there's a definition up there with the word.  He gets along with most of his teachers, because he actually  _does_ have a passion for learning, just ... not about the things they wanna teach.  And teachers who aren't willing to discuss the benefits of communism aren't worth knowing anyways.

Miss Collins, tho, she ... she was a tough one.  Dizzee doesn't find any aspect of Geography enchanting.

"You were daydreaming throughout my entire lesson.  Ecotone, Marcus, when two environments form a natural boundary that contains aspects from both areas.  Like a desert and a forest; dry red sand grows grass on the border of a forest and a desert."  The desert is his home, his family, he can see it going on for miles with no end in sight, it's predictable isn't it? And dry sometimes, and punishing, and sometimes he's in the midst of it but he thirsts for something different, but he knows that the desert will provide him with what he needs.  Not what he wants, but what he needs.  The forest is the party; wild and out of control, wet, humid, a number of unknown creatures lie in its depths, there is beauty that will never see the eye of man.  It is easy to get lost if you don't have a guide.  And the middle ground, where anything is possible. Ecotone.  That is exactly what he needs.  Getting thrown into a new world was too sudden, he knows nothing.  Graffiti is a good spot in between.  So is Harriet.  She knows all about this sort of thing, and her skills re: cosmetics never cease to amaze him.  He just needs to find equilibrium.  No man's land.  Ecotone.  Perhaps Geography wasn't so irrelevant after all

"You're sure you won't forget this?  It will be on your exam, Mr. Kipling!" Dizzee assures her, yes, he won't forget it any time soon.

~*~

Dizzee spends most of his time thinking about new art and going over the nuances of the Soho party.  Gender is irrelevant, or the most important.  Sex doesn't matter but it's going on two steps from you.  The music is just the atmosphere, but everything is about the music.  He has so many questions.

 

* * *

 

They do get some painting done after school.  Thor is there when he arrives, and they start brainstorming ideas for a piece.  Thor suggests something like Trajan's column, outlining the many battle and feats of a great hero.  Dizzee says yes, but he wants something with a little more layer, and they lie on the ground, surrounded by Krylon and meditating on the idea.

"Did you like the party?" Thor finally asks, hands propping up his head and heels resting on one of Crash's tags.

"Can't stop thinking about it," Dizzee admits, and Thor chuckles.

"That wasn't my question."  Dizzee looks down both ends of the tunnel, then rolls on top of Thor and, as the poets say, kisses the shit out of him.  Thor grunts and it's a little bit less chaste, more animalistic then at the club, bodies rolling in the dirt of the city instead of dancing at an underground royal ball.  Dizzee feels himself hungering, a feeling he's only really ever tied into physical needs, but it rears its head inside him, a need for Thor under him, around him, _inside him_ -

Dizzee yanks back as the thought whizzes by, leaving Thor with a shiny, plump mouth and a flush high on his cheeks.  It wasn't something he'd even considered.

"Did I do something wrong?" Asks Thor, conversational and yet, concerned.

"No, no," Thor sags a little, "it was me, I … I thought of something I hadn't … " Thor laughs heartily,

"A sex something?"

"…Yeah," Dizzee concedes.

"Well, you're better than some of the guys I've been with.  They think of it as an ... intrusive thought instead of something that came from their own heads."

"It's … normal?" Thor throws his head back,

"Yeah, I-" he looks at the darkening sky outside, "We better get back.  But you've got to listen carefully…"

 ~*~

"…And never go past your limit.  I don't care if you could do three fingers yesterday, if today, you can only handle two, keep it that way.  Trust your body." Dizzee catalogs everything that Thor tells him into his mind, and before he knows it, the sun is almost set and he is at the front door of his home.

Dizzee wants to say _I don't think I'll be getting over you any time soon_ , which translates to a "Night Thor." Thor grins brightly and says,

"Sweet Dreams, Rumi," which might translate as something else.  But Dizzee doesn't know it yet.

 

* * *

 

Harriet calls him up one day while he's lounging around the house.  His mother gives him the phone and says, "She sounds lovely," and leaves them be.  Dizzee doesn't know how she got his house number, but he figures it a little impolite to ask.  He'd been hoping to contact her after the party.

"Rumi, right?"

"Rumi, Dizzee, Marcus, Karl Marx, whatever you want to call me."

"Alright, then.  Having a good time?  Are all your fingers on the phone?" Dizzee laughs, quietly, genuinely, and doesn't feel compelled to get mad at Thor for talking about him to her.  "How are things?  Thor told me you might have some questions, and I'm sort of the go-to for rookies.  He really likes you, you know."

"How does this work?" Asks Dizzee, calmly.  He doesn't mind it, he loves it, but he wants to understand.  He doesn't want to be in a situation where he doesn't know what he's doing.

"Well, Thor and I are sort of … we kiss sometimes, and we're best friends, but I have a couple of partners that are more serious than him."

"So it's like an open relationship?"

"It's like this: we're good friends, and I like him romantically.  It's mutual, so we kiss when we feel like it, but we don't commit to each other because that isn't the sort of thing we want from each other.  I have a couple of partners that have the same relationship we do, and I kiss them and use protection when things get heavy, so I doesn't spread anything."

"And Thor?  Does he have anyone else?" Dizzee feels a pang of jealousy when Harriet laughs.

"The last person he spent the night with was Crash-"

" _Crash?_ "

"-But that was months ago, and a one-time thing.  He's had his fair share of romantic exploits, sexual ones too, but I'm pretty sure he's been dry for at least three months." Dizzee grins while Harriet continues, "When he told me about you, I kept pushing him to bring you to Soho.  He was sort of giddy when he first talked about you, he was all about your creative genius and how incredible you are.  Now it's just dreamy monologues about your eyes and your hair and your lips" Dizzee feels a grin spread over his face and his cheeks pink in the privacy of his bedroom, he's definitely glad Harriet can't see him.  "I'm probably embarrassing the hell out of him, so don't tell him I told you, hmm?" Dizzee laughs, curling the telephone cord around his pointer finger,

"I won't.  And what about us?"

"Us?  I'm not sure, I had a good time, and you're a very good kisser.  But I don't really like you that way,"

"Me neither, but you're really grounding and your lipstick always tastes good.  What should we do?" Harriet is still laughing when he asks, and there's some shuffling, like she's moving around.

"Listen, honey, you're the second-most relaxed person I know, but you're over-complicating things.  We don't have to do anything.  We can be friends who kiss when we hang out.  That's all." Dizzee feels something settle inside him and he stretches on the bed, smiling to himself.  Concern laces Harriet's voice when she speaks up again, "Do you have any more questions?"  Dizzee bites his lip, looks at the door, then asks about her lipstick collection.  Harriet laughs.


	2. we love a lot, so we only lose a little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry," he breathes, a sob clogging his throat. Thor takes his hand and holds it softly in his own. Somehow, it feels much more intimate than most of the things they've done together. It's forgiveness, and Dizzee relaxes against his boyfriend. Their first fight ... For some reason Dizzee thought their two souls were some sort of cosmic lottery, but clearly they aren't immune to couple conflicts. God, Dizzee feels awful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS WERE SO KIND okay so i've updated the tags and this is officially a WIP !!  
> in this chapter we have: recreational drug use, sexual content, angst, & swearing.
> 
> okay i don't want to turn dizzee into an asshole and i don't think i'm doing it, but he gets super stressed in this chapter and thor is kind of painted as a ... Savior?? Which i don't want, esp. cause this is a show abt poc and def. NOT white ppl. Thor is kind of a weird spot for me bc i'm gay as fuuuck and he's one 1/3 of my queer role models in this show, so i want to give him attention, but not so much that it takes away from the nonwhite ppl. I AM ALSO WHITE so call me the fuck out on anything that i've said or done or whatever cause i want this fic to be as respectful as possible.  
> but like i was saying, this show has done wonders for my self esteem ((i've told so many people this, but it is legit one of the most respectful presentations of teenage discovery that i've seen like ... ever)) so this is mostly focused on, like, the gay part of the get down? because i can write about it? like i read this thing, its like "write about marginalised characters, but not about marginalisation unless you experience it," which, i'm gay but white so i'm playing to my forte?? I'M GETTING OFF TRACK
> 
>  
> 
> i do like what i wrote, so pls understand that in the scene i'm talking about, dizzee is confused and upset, and thor is well-experienced in both gay boys with cold feet, sex, and his community, so he can help dizzee through his episode. It has nothing to do with race but if it comes across that way then pleeeaaase message me about it so i can change it?  
> also: Thor is NOT perfect even though i've kind of idolised him here i'm sorry. i'm def. going to get into thor's character and make sure he is a human being instead of god's personal messenger in later chapters WHICH REMINDS ME this is probs gonna have 3/4 chapters but idk how much / how often i'm gonna update so just subscribe to it or something lol sorry i'm a lazy piece of shit

Empty house, towel, lube, and phone in case something goes wrong.  Dizzee checks each thing off and shudders.  Okay.  He's been anticipating this for a week and a half.

He spends some time carefully undressing and folding his clothes, then _for god's sake, Dizzee, you aren't stalling anyone_.  He kicks his jeans away, locks his door in case, for any reason, someone comes home early, and sits on his bed.   _Pillow under the waist, ass on the towel, lube - get the lube and … and fuck!  how much should I use?  Is there such thing as too much?_ This seems to constitute as an emergency, so he calls up Thor.  The phone rings out, so he calls Harriet.

"Hello?"

"Oh, thank god.  I'm about to stick my finger up my ass and I have no idea what to do."

"Is it lubed?"

"I don't know how much to put on."  Harriet clucks her tongue over the phone and says,

"There is no such thing as 'too much lube' so don't worry about that.  Pillow on your lower back, a towel under your hips is preferable.  Make sure your rectum is wet, coat your finger entirely, and start slowly." Dizzee appreciates how clinical and blasé she is about it.  He does as she instructs and it feels strange.  He goes as slowly as possible so as not to hurt himself, and is soon in to the first knuckle.

"Okay,"

"Good, just keep it to a finger for your first time, maybe, and figure out what you like.  You don't have to even like it, you don't have to come, just explore yourself.  If you feel any pain, let me know.  Do you want me to stay on the line, or are you good?"  Dizzee is about to ask if it's okay if she can stay on, when he hits something good and lets out an inhuman moan.  This could get embarrassing quickly.

"Um, no thanks, I'll let you know if I- _ffuck_ ," Harriet's tinkly laugh comes out of the receiver while Dizzee tries to compose himself.

"Feels good doesn't it?  I'll leave you be.  Happy masturbating!" The line goes dead and Dizzee allows himself to be as loud as he wants.

* * *

 

Breakfast the next morning is quiet and subdued for some reason, obviously there's talk, but it isn't loud.  Dizzee reaches for the cereal and plonks back down on his chair, only to wince.  Three orgasms meant that he was still a little sore.

"You alright Diz?" Boo asks, and RaRa looks at him through narrowed eyes.  Dizzee raises his eyebrows,

"Yeah Boo, smacked my hipbone yesterday.  It's still a bit achey." Boo turns back to his toast and RaRa looks at him funny for a couple more seconds.  In response Dizzee flicks some of his egg white at him.

~*~

School is mildly dreary as usual, and the first few periods are a bit of a drag.  Dizzee walks out of Maths ("Marcus, think, if two cars are approaching each other, car A at 50mph and car B at 40mph-" "Listen, Sir, I can't predict what the traffic is going to be like or what condition cars A and B…") and into heaven when Thor greets him at the school gates.  Smiles engulf the faces of both boys.

"What are you doing here?" Dizzee asks, shaking his hand and embracing him quickly.  Thor looks ... almost bashful.

"I dunno, it's like we only see each other when we're painting.  This is where you go to school?" Dizzee observes the beat up public school and shrugs,

"I guess.  Gotta get an education somehow, right?" Thor nods in assent, then pulls a joint from his pocket.  "Ay, ay, put that away.  This ain't that kinda school.  Some of the teachers are fierce as fuck, pull that out behind closed doors," he admonishes, and Thor shoves it back into his shorts.

"Got any closed doors in mind?"

~*~

They end up behind the gym, beside a wooden shed with assorted sport paraphernalia.  Dizzee is missing English, which he's a little chuffed about, because Mr. Mendoza always has a book recommendation for him, but he hasn't finished _The Picture Of Dorian Gray_ yet, and he isn't sure he wants to.  That being said, his book report on whatever assigned text they're working on this term isn't really something he's looking forward to working on.

The occasional grunt or whisper comes from the shed beside them, but it's easy to tune out.  Dizzee takes a drag from the joint.

"Are you in school?" Thor shrugs.

"Nah.  My ambitions lie in my art, not my career.  Don't need algebra for painting or working a cash register, you know?" Dizzee respects that, a satisfied grin settling on his features when he takes another hit.

"Alright, I should go.  If I miss too much class, I'll get the shits from my teachers and I don't want another detention." Thor nods in assent, stubs out the joint, and slings his bag over his shoulder.  He gives Dizzee a hand up, then lays a kiss on his cheek.  Dizzee blushes down to his toes, then checks that no one saw them.  The coast is clear.

"See you after school maybe?  At the writer's bench?" Dizzee claps his shoulder and nods.  For a moment, they stand like that, looking at each other and drinking in that _this, this is my boyfriend_.

"Alright, I'll leave first so it don't look suspicious.  Wait at least ten minutes," says someone from the shed, and Dizzee casts an cursory glance over it.  That wasn't ... Ra was it?

Sure enough, Ra slides out of the shed and jumps right out of his skin when he sees the two of them.

"Oh, Dizz!" He says, loudly.  "What Are You Doing Here, Right Now?"

"Smoking a joint with Thor, what you doing?"

"Nothing." Ra looks around shrewdly, as if scoping the area.  Dizzee cocks his head,

"There isn't anyone here but me and Thor, Ra, don't worry."

"And I was just leaving," Thor announces, "Thanks for the company man." He shakes Dizzee's hand, then pulls him close, "See you later, babe," he whispers, and grins.  Dizzee laughs and waves as Thor takes off.

"Yall are pretty chummy, huh?" Ra-Ra asks, from beside him.  Dizzee shrugs.  Fuck yes they were.

"Hard to find someone who you connect with.  Some of the pieces we make are gonna blow this city up, Ra."

"Just pals, hmm?" Dizzee narrows his eyes.

"As opposed to what?" Ra was good, Ra was tolerant and kind, he wasn't like that.  _Please, Ra_ -

"Nothing," Ra says quickly, hunching his shoulders and fiddling with his hands.  They're quiet for a moment, then Dizzee turns on his heels and leaves.

"Bye, Dizzee!" calls Ra, and he waves back in response.

~*~

Dizzee spends more time alone, being reclusive and hanging out with Thor.  It was wild and chaotic at first, but now, when alone, they greet each other like old lovers and spend hours upon hours lazing around together.  Their make-out sessions stay relatively vanilla, and Thor doesn't ask him about the ass thing or how it's going, which Dizzee is both relieved, and disappointed about.  He uses two fingers nowadays, to get that full feeling.  He's mostly gotten rid of the shame that comes with it.

They still meet at the shed during school, but not during English, since Dizzee wants more recommendations from his professor who, he thinks, may swing the same way he and Thor do.

He gets a well-worn copy of _Maurice_ and swears to protect it with his life.

The shed becomes their go-to spot and there always tends to be some sort of sex going on in the barn during their stays, but it doesn't bother them.  Ra doesn't come out of the shed anytime, though.

It's been a month and doesn't even feel like it.  Time is irrelevant.  It's a concept that doesn't seem to affect them.  How long have they been dating? Two years?  Two minutes?  Insignificant.

Thor tells him there's going to be another "art party" and Dizzee gets giddy.  He wants to return to that feeling of freedom that he only seemed to enter when he was surrounded by people like him.  It wasn't that he was tired of his family, it's just the shared experience, the connectivity, everything the party embodies that is the anti-thesis of the entirety of his existence up until now.  It's maddening.

They attend the party and it is much more mellow than the last one, or perhaps Dizzee is better adjusted to the chaos.  He doesn't take anything or even spend a lot of time on the dance floor.  For the most part, he huddles into a corner with Thor and kisses him and kisses him and _kisses him_.  Kisses his _boyfriend._

That isn't to say the performances aren't incredible.  What this place is creating is _art_ to rival paintings in those prestigious art galleries.  To rival the sculptures and the photographs and the ceramics of the rich people with too much to spend on a piece of furniture.  Dizzee feels personally gifted to view the dances and songs of the people who will stay in these underground places forever, never to see the light of day.

* * *

 

Dizzee has to psyche himself up a little before he knocks, which freaks him out a little.  He's usually much more composed than this.  He realises that Thor is dragging him out of his relaxed stature and it isn't even his fault.  Dizzee's working himself up over this boy.  What a thought.

Thor opens the door and Dizzee grins like a fool.  Thor  told him how beautiful his smile is, and Dizzee's smile always brings a beam to Thor's own face, which Dizzee loves.  Probably 40% of their communication consists of them grinning like lovesick fools at each other.

Thor ushers him in and leaves to move around his small apartment.  He pulls some cans from a box and puts them in his bag,

"You're lucky you caught me, I was about to head out to the tunnels.  Wanna come-" Thor seems to notice Dizzee's lack of paints, "Uh .."

"I'm not here to make art, I'm here to make love," Dizzee announces, and immediately Thor's eyes widen at his lack of discretion.  He wets his lips and toys with the can in his hand, _Isla Rose_.

"Oh, oh yeah, I-um,"

"I really ... _enjoyed_ your advice," Dizzee says, biting his lip to hold in a smile, advancing on Thor and looking up at him through his lashes.  "What do you say we put it to use?"  Thor trips over himself, eyes darkening rapidly and adjusting himself in his shorts.  Considering Dizzee is the one with the lack of experience, this whole scene seems a little amusing.  Dizzee's prowess had an incredible effect on the boy in front of him, which was also somewhat entertaining, since he was doing it for kicks.  They didn't usually need to play into roles to change an atmosphere or convince each other to do something.

"I, yes definitely, but are you sure?  Have you done this before?" Thor's hesitance jolts Dizzee out of his sensual advances and he blinks.

"I, no, but ... I'd really like you to be my first." Thor sits him down and holds his hands, grinning.

"Okay, but we're going to need to sort out some sex concepts first, and maybe have a discussion on how this is going to play out.  And what we mean to each other. We're boyfriends, right?" Dizzee nods in assent.  "Good, and Dizzee, what does sex mean to you?  Is this your first time with a guy, or first time period?" Dizzee takes a step back and feels himself putting up walls.

"Why do I feel like I'm being interrogated?" Thor reaches out for him, but Dizzee ducks away.

"No, no no, love, it's just, these talks are important.  My- The community we belong to, it's, it's marginalised, a lot of people don't practice safe sex and ... I know, personally, there were lots of awful things, sexual ideas, that hurt me and my partners.  We don't have to have sex, if this is too much, we don't have to do it now or ever, but if you want to, then we have to talk about it." Dizzee feels like an idiot.  He came up to Thor's apartment, expecting to feel good and share something, and clearly underestimated the weight behind what he was trying to achieve.

Thor, as usual, seems to pick up his thoughts as they fall.

"Hey, hey, I don't know about your experiences or attitudes to sex but- Dizzee, D- _Marcus-_ " Dizzee's hand is on the doorhandle, his pulse is jumping in his wrist and his arm is tense and ready to shove it open and get the fuck out.  He's been a shithead, his thoughts are screaming at him.  What has he done? "Please."

 

Dizzee allows himself to be pulled to the bed and he leans, forehead to forehead, with Thor.

"I'm sorry," he breathes, a sob clogging his throat.  Thor takes his hand and holds it softly in his own.  Somehow, it feels much more intimate than most of the things they've done together.  It's forgiveness, and Dizzee relaxes against his boyfriend.  Their first fight ... For some reason Dizzee thought their two souls were some sort of cosmic lottery, but clearly they aren't immune to couple conflicts.  God, Dizzee feels awful.

Thor says, "It's been a long night, we should put this to rest.  Do you want to stay?" Dizzee does, but he's also worried about his dad.  He's exhausted, and on the verge of tears.  Thor rubs his cheek with the pad of his thumb, then kisses Dizzee gently under his eye.  It's the final straw.

It's been twenty minutes, probably, but he's so tired and scared of losing his only in to the best feeling of ... Dizzee doesn't have a word for it.  It feels like release and deliverance at the same fucking time.

"Do you have a phone?" He says, through his tears.

 

"Yeah, Dad, I'm at a friend's house and ...  My ... My friend is being really hospitable and I'll be staying the night."

"Dizzee..." His Dad says dangerously,

"I'll be home as soon as possible tomorrow, I promise." Dizzee winces as his Dad tells him that he's in for it when he gets home.  When he hangs up, Thor draws him back to the bed again, peels him out of his clothes and takes off his own, then lies in bed.  Dizzee settles on top of him, his head over Thor's pumping heart.  It's the first time he's seen Thor in just his underwear, but the whole thing is probably the least sexual thing he's ever felt.  Intimate, emotional, yes, and affectionate, but not sexual.  God, the night was a disaster.


	3. i don't want to wait til the next life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor opens the door, looking flushed and excited. Dizzee takes a deep breath and reaches out a hand. Thor takes it, and gently leads him inside, and into a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy i've updated ! 2k more words of this + a teasing of porn. i promise the whole deal next chapter, which may take a while, sorry :((
> 
> anyways happy reading and keep leaving comments they make me giddy c:

Dizzee wakes up groggily to two eyes staring into his.

"Hi, Thor," he groans, rubbing his eyes and stretching.

"Good morning, love," Thor replies, smiling tightly.  "Are you feeling okay?  Do you want me to walk you to the bus stop?" He hands over Dizzee's clothes, and Dizzee smiles softly, pulling up his pants.

"Yes, please.  Thank you so much for letting me stay over and ... helping me out with all this."

"It's no problem, really.  I'm heading down to the tracks later this evening, if you want to join me?" Dizzee pauses and bites his lip.

"I may pass on that one, I need a bit of space,"

"Yeah, yeah no doubt," Thor rushes, standing up and brushing invisible lint off his pants.  They walk out together, Thor has an episode with the front door and it eventually slams into place, then they make for the train station.

The trip is mostly silent, not awkward, but not entirely comfortable either.

Dizzee leans his head on Thor's shoulder, while they wait for his train to arrive.  It's early morning, and aside from the people sleeping on benches, the station is deserted.  Thor seems to relax a little.

"I didn't fuck up, did I?" asks Thor, and Dizzee brays out a laugh.

"No.  Did I?"

"Not really.  I don't blame you." Dizzee feels his body unfurl a little, tension seeping out of his muscles.

"Just miscommunication, then?"

"Yeah, definitely." The roar of a train echoes down the tunnel, and together, they stand up.  Dizzee reluctantly drops their joined hands and shoulders his bag.

"Can I call you tonight?" Calls Thor, and Dizzee nods, cheeks reddening.  He boards the train.

 

* * *

 

His dad isn't awful, and the lecture isn't long.  It's just "I want to know where you are" and "I don't know this Thor kid" which is understandable.  Doesn't mean he's going to obey.

When he gets home, he bounces on his bed and lets out an ugly sounding breath.

Ra, from the bunk beside him, looks away from his graphic novel.

"Something wrong Diz?"

"Relationship issues," he admits, and Ra throws his book away to stare down at him thoughtfully.

"Women, huh?"

"Um, I guess,"

"Who else would it be?  You stayed at Thor's last night, right?" Dizzee curls his lip and groans.

"Mind ya own, Ra," he berates, taking his pillow and throwing it at Ra.  His brother cowers, then scoops up his comic book again.  Dizzee closes his eyes and thinks.

 

~*~

"Dizzee!  _Dizzee_!  Someone's calling you," Dizzee rushes the stairs fast enough to trip a little, but his heart drops a little when his mom grins at him.

"It's that girl again," she says, passing him the phone, and he hops onto a stool.

"Hi, Harriet,"

"You've got some explaining to do, boy," Dizzee tips his head back and pinches his eyes.  He'd hoped   Thor wouldn't share every moment of their relationship with Harriet, he'd have to have a talk about oversharing with his boyfriend.

"If this is about that argument-"

"What?  I-no, but you're going to explain that too.  Your brother called me up."  He _what_?

"He- who- w- _fuck_ why?"

"Said his name was Ra.  Are you calling me your girlfriend, Dizzee?  I thought we were just friends?" Dizzee spins on the stool in frustration.  Ra's recent interest in his love-life had put him in some awful spots lately.

"Yeah, one time, sorry, slipped up about a significant other to the fam, so I used your name." Harriet grins,

"Yeah, I get it, I'm your beard."

"My- ?  I-"

"Like, your fake girlfriend to cover for the fact that you aren't straight." That makes sense.

"Uh, yeah, then, I guess.  You're my beard.  What did my brother say?" Harriet sighs loudly into the receiver.

"He asked me if we were dating, and if you were gay, basically.  I said no, you weren't gay and yes, we were dating just to cover for you, since it really isn't my place to out you, yeah?  He seems really interested." Dizzee brings the phone to one of the empty stools and lazily spins around.

"I think he's onto something.  He keeps asking me about who I'm dating, and Thor.  I hope he's nice about it, when he finds out."

"When?"

"I'm not going to hold this inside me.  It's too big, Harriet."

"You know, sometimes your poetic ramblings sound vaguely dirty."

"It's your mind, not my mouth in the gutter," he quips back, and Harriet laughs, sharp and uncontrollable.  Dizzee thinks he loves her a lot.

~*~

Thor calls him later on, and it's hard to abate the awkwardness between them.  Dizzee finally takes the initiative to ask him about sex.  Because Dizzee _does_ love having things up his ass and he _does_ want to get intimate with Thor and he _really_ wants to get past this bump in the road.

"Right," Thor replies, and there is shuffling on the other end of the line.  "Um, have you had penetrative sex before?"

"Yeah, yes," Dizzee says.  He enjoys sex.  _A lot_.  It's the only place he allows himself to get lost, fully, to the feel of skin and the raw, brutal pleasure that came with it.  As yet, that pleasure had only ever been associated with women.  Hence,

"Have you ever had sex with a man?"

"No." Thor clears his throat.

"What does sex mean to you?  Is it emotional?  Is it just physical?" Dizzee looks around, then takes the phone into his room.

"Um, I guess ... I really just enjoy it as a pastime ... If I like someone, I'll have sex with them to affirm the bond between us ... I'll have sex with strangers to have a really good time, I suppose."

"So sex is a hobby?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"Ok, um.  You always use protection, right?"

"Yeah, a condom,"

"Good.  We'll be using them."

"But-?  But we can't conceive a child," Dizzee asks, puzzled.

"Yeah but you can contract things.  Diseases."

"Right.  Solid."  
"What are you expecting to gain from sex, with me specifically?"

"Um, a good time I guess?  Post-sex glow?" Thor laughs on the other end.

"Ok, good.  What system do you use to maintain consent?"

"Sys - what?"

"With sex, it is always absolutely vital to ensure the constant consent of their partner before, during, and after.  Some people use a red, orange, green system.  For example, when I've got three fingers in your ass and want to replace it with my dick, I say 'colour?' and you say 'green' which means go ahead, 'orange' which means pause and discuss, or maybe just slow down, and 'red' which means stop completely.  Some people have a safeword, which means, like, stop and get away, either on its own or accompanying the colour system.  Some people use fingers, one tap is keep going, two taps is be careful, three taps is stop, for when the sex involves gags or people who can't hear/speak.  Maybe we should stick to just a safeword, so it doesn't get confusing?"  Dizzee nods into the receiver.

"Yeah, that's good."

"Mine's Bronx, do you need some time to think of yours?" Dizzee ponders for a minute, then answers decisively.

"Krylon."

"Good one,"  
"Thanks."

"Now, I realise that with straight culture there is kind of a ... script.  For sex.  It's kissing, then using your hands to get people off, then your mouth, then it's penetrative sex.  Kinky sex is always more pleasurable than vanilla sex and the more fingers you use, the better it will be.  It's a strange system, that I, personally, dislike.  When we say "sex" we mean a layout of an evening that follows a number of unsaid rules.  Are you following?"  Dizzee feels his mind expanding and closes his eyes softly.

"Yeah, definitely,"

"Great.  I'd like for there to be more than just "is this okay" sort of questions.  I don't want to have an agenda, you know?  We should just see where we go, without any expectation of how it's going to go.  Maybe questions like "do you want to stay here or do something else?" or "do you want to keep going or relax for a while?" sort of questions.  Does that make sense?  Just let us do what we want and go where we want to go without the pressure of conforming to a script." Dizzee is silent for a few moments, processing what Thor was asking of him.  It was true, he _was_ expecting them to jack each other off, give oral, then fuck each other.  It's freeing, this new conceptual understanding of sex, but at the same time, it puts him in a strange space.  He feels jolted from his life - which is the way with most discoveries curtesy of Thor, and thus, is beginning to distinguish between what used to be, and what is.  Sometimes, when he spends time with his family, he feels like he's slipped backwards in time.  A step behind in evolution.

"That's good.  Great.  I understand.  Can I visit on Saturday?" Thor's breathing quickens imperceptibly.

"Yeah.  Y-yes, definitely.  Please.  I would love it." Dizzee laughs at Thor's eager tone.  He knows the feeling.

 

* * *

 

 

Thor opens the door, looking flushed and excited.  Dizzee takes a deep breath and reaches out a hand.  Thor takes it, and gently leads him inside, and into a kiss.

"Fuck, you taste like Harriet's lipstick," Thor says, diving back in again.  Dizzee laughs against his lips and slips his tongue in to dance with Thor's.  Now that Dizzee knows what he wants, knows what Thor wants, knows they don't have an agenda or any expectations,  he feels free.   He doesn't know what sex with Thor is going to be like.

All he knows, is that he wants his boyfriend shirtless.

They shuffle backwards and fall onto Thor's mattress, get to tearing each others tshirts off,  and Dizzee runs shaky hands over Thor's body.  Thor is barrel-chested; built like a house, but with eons of soft, pudgy, flushed skin.  His stomach jumps under Dizzee's touch and his chest shudders with every shaky breath.

Thor leans up from beneath him and growls into his ear,  "you okay?" Dizzee nods,  with a sigh, cupping Thor's pecs in his hands and running a finger over the nipples, "you like my tits baby? " asks Thor,  husky in his ear,  lightly stubbled cheek rubbing against his own.   Dizzee nearly comes in his pants.

"Wh- you- I-"

"What's that, love?" Thor teases, and Dizzee chuckles into Thor's collarbone.

"Shut up.  Ain't ever heard of a guy calling his- saying-"

"Tits?"

"Mhm,"

"You like it?" Dizzee laughs into an open-mouthed kiss.

" _Yes_ ,"

"Good, cause I like you playing with them," says Thor, grinning one of those huge ones that cover his whole face.  At that, Dizzee leans down to nibble on one.  Thor arches beneath him.

"Could fit these in a bra," Dizzee says, taking a nipple in his mouth and lolling it around with his tongue.  Thor is clearly having a hard time keeping his composure.  He lets  out little grunts and fast breaths, then goes so far as to place a large, warm hand over the back of Dizzee's neck to stroke at his nape.

"Good idea babe, maybe next time," he mumbles, and with the image of Thor in a lacy bra and panties, Dizzee leans up to thrust his tongue into Thor's mouth and rub his crotch on Thor's leg, to remove the aching pressure between his legs.  Thor smiles into the kiss and, with his other hand, reaches down to palm at Dizzee's ass, then uses it to thrust against his other leg.  Dizzee groans, low enough in his throat that it barely comes out, but Thor feels the rumble in his chest and tucks his face into Dizzee's neck, kissing and nibbling at the skin.

Dizzee feels like he's in heaven.  All he can see, all he can feel, all he can hear and taste and smell and think is Thor, hips moving under him and mouth sucking a mark into his neck.  Their bare chests are pressed together, Dizzee feels lit up inside, like his nerves are little fairy lights, blinking and flashing in his ecstasy.  He knows he's going to pop soon, and doesn't want to get his pants wet.

"O- of _f_ ," Dizzee sighs, unbuttoning his jeans and shimmying them off his hips.  Thor laughs, undoing his own fly _\- he isn't wearing underwear_ \- and, rather sensually, slipping them halfway down his thighs.  Fuck, his thighs.  Dizzee never got to actually appreciate them.  They're thick, kind of muscly, but soft to the touch, like his tummy.  Dizzee gets a grip on them to thrust harder into the crease of Thor's hip.  An exasperated laugh emerges from Thor's mouth, choked off by a moan when Dizzee uses his hand to spread precum over Thor's bare cock and give it a harsh pull.

"Good?" he asks, and Thor laughs again, a little more breathlessly.

"Great."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me @hardlystraight or @499018 on tumblr ://


	4. i love this feeling, but i hate this part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for not updating it's been hell @ school, but here's twice as much as i usually post ;_;
> 
> ANYWAY thank you for all your amazing comments and support i super appreciate it! esp. @conspvracy on tumblr (i dont know your ao3 handle) & @lilacsandlostlovers, @mermaidjosten for leaving comments on /every chapter/ bro thank you so much!!! Tiffany and @gayclaryfray you guys as well i love long comments bc COMMENTS KEEP ME GOING !! there's actually a hit count on each fic so there's 1195 people that read this fic but 120 left kudos which is like :(( only 10% of people liked this fic??? am i a bad writer?? point is, support fic writers cause we dont write for you, we share with you.
> 
> anyways, we're a tiny group and i only started posting cause we dont have a lot of fic and it's important to support one another. you guys don't have a limit on your kudos or comments so , not just me, but every fic you read, if you enjoy it AT least leave kudos. if you get anxiety with writing comments dw i got you.
> 
> so that was a long winded rant but! here we are, massive sex trigger warning for this chapter cause that's what it is, pretty much. sex. also ra ra and boo make appearances which is kinda important. i don't know what i'm saying.
> 
> P.S. i gave thor a name as well

They're smoking by the shed again.  Dizzee is splayed across the grass, chest in Thor's lap and tapping ash into the dirt.  He can feel Thor's breath fanning down on the back of his neck.  His little slice of heaven.  Of course he dredges his family into it.

"Ra's been chasing me about this whole boyfriend thing.  I think he knows," he mumbles, and for a little bit, there's the quiet whistle of the breeze and the shuffle of leaves.  He can pretend he kept his mouth shut.

"Do you want him to know?" asks Thor, carefully.  Dizzee turns around to lay on Thor's thighs.  They settle comfortably under him.  God, he loves those thighs.

"Fundamentally, yeah, but," he takes a deep drag and hands it to Thor, "Ra is also the best-worst person to tell 'cause you know how he gets.  Pinch his arm and he'll tell you who shot JFK, right?" Thor nods slowly, sighing out a breath of smoke.  Dizzee gets the joint back and takes another drag, "But at the same time, I'm a big brother an- I'm-" he breaks into a coughing fit, smoke puffing out of his nose and making his eyes water.  Thor thumps him gently on the back.

"You're the eldest and you need to set an example, I get it, but you've gotta do you and, I mean, I don't get on well with my folks after I came out, but I don't regret it, and that's my personal experience.  You gotta keep yourself safe and do what you want to do.  It's your choice."

"Is it?  I feel like there's some ... responsibility to-"

"Nah, nahnahnah, look.  Dizzee." Thor's eyes bounce up to graze the area, then he takes Dizzee's cheeks in his own and nuzzles their noses together.

"When it comes down to it, who you bang is none of their business.  They aren't entitled to your private affairs, okay?" Dizzee's eyes fix on Thors,

"Okay."

"You want to come out, and that's great, and I promise you can stay with me if your family kicks you to the kerb-" Dizzee feels a heat in his stomach curl and wash over him,  "-but it's going to be on your terms.  This belongs to you."

 

* * *

 

Ra pulls Boo Boo back from the front door one week, and whispers, careful of his parents on the floor below.

"Boo, what do you think of Dizzee?" Next to the man himself, Boo was the most observant little shit in the entire household.

"What about him, Ra?" Ra rubs a hand over his face and paces in front of his brother.  Does Boo know what it means to be gay?  Would he be okay with it?  Ra hopes so.

"Him and ... Him and Thor do you ... Did you notice anything about the way they act with each other?" Boo shrugs his little shoulders and leans on the counter.

"Not really.  Why, should I have?" Ra opens his mouth a couple of times, then shrugs.

"What are you guys doing?  We're gonna be late," Dizzee calls through the screen door, prompting a slight jump from Boo and a squeal from Ra.  Dizzee frowns and pointedly looks outside.  "Let's go."

 

* * *

 

 

"Not this again-"

"Shut it, Boo." Ra tugs his brother to the window and looks outside.  The streets are quiet, except for the drip of the drainpipe outside.  "Alright, it's 10:30 and Dizzee's curfew is 11, so he's bound to arrive home soon.  And he might be with Thor an-now, I want you to watch them because I ... I dunno, I'll tell you after."  Boo screws up his face and-

"Looklooklook there they are," Ra hissed, slapping Boo's arm.  Boo hits him back but watches the scene play out in front of them.  Dizzee is spinning and laughing while Thor ambles behind him, grin visible from their station at the streetlamp.  Dizzee leans against the pole, shoulders shaking in laughter, then swings around.  Thor sits on the road, legs spread, hands moving in gestures while they have a conversation well out the earshot of the spying boys.

"What are we doing?  That's Thor, right?  What's the big deal?" Dizzee keeps rotating around the pole and eventually stops, looking at Thor on the street, lips barely moving in a murmur.  Boo's breath comes out in a huff and Ra hisses at him to shut up as Dizzee waltzes over to Thor, takes him by the lapels of his fleece & denim jacket, throws him against the pole and pushes their lips together.

"They're _fags_ -"

"Don't say that shit," Ra berates, unconcerned with being heard.  He knew it the whole time.  They were together, they were ... _gay_ , Dizzee was 100% confirmed homosexual.  Ra felt the breath leave him in a rush.

 

* * *

 

Dizzee makes excuses.  A lot of them.  He's usually a no-bullshit kinda guy, but it's always too loud to come out or everyone is too busy for him to come out or it's just /not the right time/.  Harriet keeps calling, which doesn't help matters, since his mother clearly believes that he's thoroughly interested her, and Thor calls a lot as well, assuring him that he should only do it when he's comfortable.

RaRa corners him, one day when no one else is in the house.  Dizzee panics inside but keeps a blank face.

"Are.  You.  Datin.  Thor." Ra asks, his question leaving no room for comfort.  He can avoid his family but he can't outright /lie/ to them.

"No." Well, maybe he can.

"Well, you haven't been talking much about this Harriet chick and you're always spending the night with Thor, and, I dunno, you were pretty enthusiastic when he kissed you last night." The last five words of Ra's sentence strike ice into Dizzee's heart and he looks, betrayed, at Ra.

"Yes, alright?  I'm dating Thor.  I wasn't being honest about Harriet and I haven't been honest about who I'm dating and-" he drags his fingers hard down his face, avoiding Ra's gaze, "and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I-you just have no idea how weird it is being the gay one and I'm _fucking_ sick of everyone constantly acting like I'm off the rails.  I don't want Mum and Dad to know just yet, or Boo-"

"Too late."

"Fuck!  Ra, can you actually reverse ... the fuck ... out of my life, for like, a minute!?" Ra takes a step back.  "Yeah, this isn't actually your business!  I don't know why you're so obsessed with the fact that I'm dating a guy, but I don't actually care.  Leave.  Me.  The Fuck.  Alone." Dizzee's tone has risen to a bark and he pushes himself off the wall.  Ra's expression has twisted into something akin to horror - at himself or Dizzee, the latter doesn't know, he leaves Ra standing alone.

 ~*~

Thor isn't in the tunnels, thank god, he needs time alone to breathe and think and create.  His cans are almost empty by the time he's done - three big, new, explosive pieces adorn the tunnel walls.  He lets out the breath he's been holding, squeezes his eyes shut, then walks home.

 ~*~

Ra avoids him in the days following, and Dizzee is stressing out because what if Ra spills?  Or Boo?  Boo seems on edge around him, probably expecting the same treatment he gave Ra.  Mom and Dad are suspicious about the entire deal, but clearly aren't going to ask, so Dizzee is stuck in a constant state of unease and fear.  Thor calls him up one day and the anxiety abates a little.  Someone he doesn't have to hide from.

"Hey, um, I was wondering if you wanted to help me out with an art project?" A smile springs to Dizzee's face.

"Absolutely.  Where are you thinking?" Thor holds the receiver away for a moment, then comes back on.

"At my place.  I don't want to spoil it but ... can you come over?  Friday after school?" Dizzee nods, then says,

"Yeah."

"Okay, see you then! Oh, before I ... don't ... orgasm ... until then, okay?" Dizzee frowns, but agrees.

"You aren't painting with jizz or anything, are you?" Thor scoffs loudly,

"That's disgusting, no."

"Had to ask."

"Okay.  See you Friday."

"Love you." The words are out before he can take them back, but Dizzee realises that he doesn't really want to.

"... I love you too."

 

* * *

 

 

When Thor opens the door, his hair is up, and Dizzee blinks a couple of times.  Thor notices him looking, and pulls it out of its tie.

"Painting," he explains, "With acrylics, not cans."  Dizzee grins and gathers the blonde strands into a ponytail again.  Thor smiles bashfully back, using the elastic to collect his hair into a bun, then invites Dizzee inside.  There's sheets on the floor and a few blank canvases leaning against the wall.

"Nice setup,"

"Thanks.  We're going to be working on that canvas." He points to a large spread of material on the floor and pinned to twin wooden boards.  "You sure you're down with this?  Love the lipstick, by the way,"  Dizzee touches his hands self-consciously to the cold yellow lipstick he'd had Harriet buy him.

"Thanks.  So ... canvas on the floor, big tins of paint-" he points to each piece in the room, "-large paintbrushes, I can't get off ... are we having paint sex?  That is, to date, the most pretentious thing you've done in the 2 months we've been together."

"Hey, if you don't want to do it I'm happy to invite someone over," Thor says.

"I sure hope that was tongue in cheek," Dizzee says, laughing, and he bends down to examine the colours.

"I'd like to put my tongue in your cheeks." It's quiet, then Dizzee bursts into laughter.

"That's the worst!  Oh my god!  Can you even do that?" Thor starts laughing as well, then pulls the seal off a pastel blue can.

"Yeah, it's called rimming.  I keep forgetting you haven't done any ass stuff before, you're in for a wild ride, dude." Dizzee laughs and unzips his jacket.

"So where do you want me?"

"Let's get lathered up, first.  I'm going to be using Icy Blue to start with, and then maybe open my greys and pinks.  This is going to be a pastel masterpiece."

"Alright," Dizzee says, dipping his fingers in the tub of paint, "this is hygienic, right?"

"As a rule, don't let any of the paint touch your pelvic area because we don't want an infection.  Keep your-yeah-" Dizzee looked at his pale blue fingers "-try not to get your hands too covered if you wanna touch me.  Don't ingest any of it, but otherwise yeah.  We're good."

"Okay, well, I haven't touched myself for a couple of days - not that I'm not a huge masturbator, mind you- but you'd better give me some good fucking orgasms-." He goes to say Thor's full name but remembers: Thor isn't his real name.

"What's your-" Thor knows all three of his names, but Dizzee only knows one of his.  How weird is that? "What's your name?  Not your tagging name, your actual name.  I've been callin' you Thor for months." Thor's eyebrows raise, and he seems to realise the same thing.

"I never ... No one's ever asked me that before, I uh.  William.  I usually go by Liam, though."

"None of your other boyfriends asked?" Thor shakes his head, smiling a little forlornly.  "Well, your neighbours are gonna know it in a couple of hours." Liam lets out an astounded breath, then leans over and kisses Dizzee thoroughly, tongue flicking out to draw a moan out of his boyfriend.

"So when I do it, it's the 'worst you've ever heard' but it's okay for you-" Dizzee smiles into another kiss and he pushes Liam to the floor.  He rolls them over, onto the canvas, surreptitiously dips his hand into the paint, then wipes his Icy Blue hand down Thor's - Liam's - cheek.  His boyfriend pauses, drawing his mouth away from Dizzee's.  He looks comically affronted and manages to wipe some of the excess paint away and onto Dizzee's neck, while the latter is laughing to himself, and soon they're making out and running paint-covered hands over each other.  Thor - Liam - gets his shirt off and Dizzee follows suit, then they're both covering each other's skin in as much blue paint as they can.  Dizzee is straddling Liam at this point, his hard on straining against his jeans.

"Okay, okay, I wanna," Dizzee breathes hard through his nose, "I want you to fuck me, is that okay?" Liam's eyes soften and he nods quickly, stroking Dizzee's cheek with his thumb.

"Yeah, okay.  I love you." He tilts his head and Dizzee can taste him before their lips meet again.  He feels so young in Liam's presence, almost like a kid in how shy and inexperienced he is.  His eyes fall closed, and his breathing deepens as Liam pulls him down.  Slowly, and uncaring of the paint on their hands, they begin to disrobe completely, Thor's - Liam's - pants end up bunched around his ankles, he kicks them off without concern and, still attached at the lips, helps Dizzee unbutton his jeans and pull them off.

The two of them are down to their underwear, and Liam blinks up at Dizzee from under his lashes.  They kiss again, chastely, lips curling, then Dizzee rolls his hips down into Liam's lap.  The latter grunts softly, parting to run his fingers gently along the dip of Dizzee's collarbone and Dizzee feels himself falling into that sex fog that clouds his vision and leaves the drape of fingertips, the dimple in his lover's back, a cloak of hair, as his utmost priority.  He can see Liam dipping into it as well, eyes darkening, skin flushing and sweating.  Dizzee remembers the paint and reaches over to coat his hand, then spreads it across Liam's back and chest, feels muscles rippling underneath his hands, and Liam lays down, letting the paint touch the canvas beneath them.

"How the fuck are we going to do this?" Dizzee asks, examining his painted hands and their entwined bodies.  "I want to touch you." Liam takes his wrists and lays Dizzee's palms flat on his chest, creating twin handprints on his pecs.  "No, here," Dizzee clarifies, cupping his boyfriend through his threadbare black briefs.  Liam squeezes his eyes shut and nods, moving to get up, reluctantly still pressing into Dizzee's palm.  "Sensitive today, are we?" Liam laugh sounds strained, and he closes his eyes again.

"It's been two weeks," he admits, and Dizzee's eyes widen.

"Oh, baby," he mumbles, moving off Liam's thighs and switching their positions.  Liam hunches in his lap, an amusing picture since Liam is both broader and taller than Dizzee.  Liam's cheeks were pink and his hair was curling at the end, Dizzee thinks that they would be cowlicks if it was shorter.  Dizzee's gaze rakes over his boyfriend, and he feels so lucky.  He really does resemble Thor, with his golden hair fallen out of its elastic, plastered to his alabaster skin, his swollen biceps, his flexing thighs, all for Dizzee to take.  Without further ado, Dizzee rubs Thor's hips, his bulge, through his underwear, covering it in blue, and drawing high pitched whines and moans out of Liam.  Dizzee tips their foreheads together and notices Liam's bottom lip quivering every time Dizzee strokes up.

Liam laughs, "I'm using more composed than this, I can't believe I gained my virginity after a fortnight without orgas- _oh, do that again._ " Dizzee does it again, and again, and within minutes, Liam has spilt over himself.  "Fuck," he mumbles, and Dizzee gently presses their lips together.

"C'mon, I want you in my ass within the hour." Dizzee gives his ass a well-natured clap and Thor lets out a breath against his shoulder.  He stumbles up, _my underwear is toast ahahaha_ , shucks his underwear and struts into the bathroom.  Dizzee appreciates the view.

"I'm gonna fill some empty paint cans with water and ... and I'm gonna get this bowl, so when your hands get to paint-y, just spray it off into this bowl.  Also, I'm gonna open the grey." Dizzee bites his lip and tugs off his own underwear, the head of his cock lightly bouncing on his stomach.  Liam gestures for Dizzee to lay out his hands, and sprays them with water until the paint has dribbled off.

"That okay?"

"Mm-hm,"

"Great.  I'll get the lube, you wanna go right ahead?" Dizzee grins at him, all teeth, feeling his body tingle and fizzle inside.  He gets a good grip on himself and gently strokes to alleviate the pent tension.  He takes note of the paintbrushes put out beside the canvas - right, way to keep his hands clean.  Dizzee takes a thick one and drips blue paint on his neck and shoulders, then crisply on his cheeks with a smaller brush.  War paint.

He feels hands on his hips and leans back into Liam's chest.  Liam noses his ear, trails his hands down, and whispers _let me know if you want me to stop, okay?_ Dizzee nods in assent, then inhales sharply as Liam's hands wander to his cheeks and one finger creeps in between.  He switches hands, and starts pressing in with a slick, slightly cool finger.  Dizzee's knees buckle at the feeling of one of Liam's thick fingers moving within him.  Hands catch him in time, the finger slipping away, and Liam laughs carefully.  He lowers them to the canvas, Dizzee steady on his thighs, and holds a cheek in one hand, then probes Dizzee with the other for a second time.  His breaths come faster as Liam shifts inside of him, then lets out an indecent _auh!_ when Liam hits something good.

" _Theretherethere fuck keep going_ ," Dizzee mumbles, near-incoherently, gripping Liam's biceps and squirming in Liam's lap.  The latter smiles up at him, then nudges the pad of his middle finger where his pointer is moving in and out.  Dizzee catches his eyes and nods, keeping still so that Liam can safely put the other in.  It's quick and slippery, and Dizzee feels fuller, stretched, but not painfully, so _fantastically_ , so pleasurably.  He rocks back and forth, fucking himself on his boyfriend's fingers.  Liam laughs, squeezes his eyes shut, then nuzzles Dizzee's jaw.

"God, you look so _obscene_ on my fingers, baby," Liam mumbled, and Dizzee kisses the top of his head.

"Obscene, huh?"

"Positively filthy.  Outrageously pornographic.  Wicked, shameless, salacious.  Keep going." At the encouragement, Dizzee grinds further, feeling his rim touch Liam's knuckles.  He hears something mumbled into his neck and frowns.

"Did you just say _thesaurus kink_?" He says, throat bubbling with laughter.  Thor chuckles with him, then pushes his fingers in particularly deep, giving Dizzee goosebumps.

"You like that?"

"Fffuck.  _Fuck!_ " Dizzee hisses, his composure all but lost at this point.  Sweat drips from his hairline, his elbows, his thighs, his back, he squeezes his eyes closed and rocks harder, faster, _further_.  He feels that buzzing pleasure overwhelm him, consume him, he bites his lip to hold a cry from tearing itself out as he paints their chests with come.

Liam holds him as the aftershocks pulse through him, hands pressing into supple flesh.

"Okay, maybe wait a bit before fucking me," Dizzee concedes, face screwing up a little when Liam pulls out his fingers.  "And you didn't open the grey." Liam lights up, leaning away to crack the lid on his paints and Dizzee lays out on the canvas, dripping blue paint in little dots across the edges and rolling his shoulders against the canvas.  He's so overheated, but rapidly cooling, and he feels a smile pull at his lax features when Liam comes into view.  His eyes close, then fly open when cool paint is poured over his stomach, chest and biceps.

"Wake up, love!"

"You fucker!" Liam laughs, carefree, flicks some grey paint at Dizzee, who cups the blue beside him in a fist and throws it at his boyfriend.  "You're such a shithead, I love you!" He says, and sooner or later they're pressed up again, Dizzee in grey and Thor in blue, mixing the paint and their bodies together and exchanging breaths.  A brush from Liam's thickening length is enough to get Dizzee hardening again, and he presses against his boyfriend.

"You sure you're ready baby?" asks Liam, close to his ear, and Dizzee shudders at the pet name.

"Yeah yeah yeah c'mon get in me," he mumbles, taking Liam's hand and placing it on the round of his ass.

With a jolt, Dizzee's hoisted onto Liam's hips, the latter's hands under his thighs, then placed gently on the canvas.  Liam kisses him, lips brushing ever so softly against his own, and a wave of heat engulfs his chest.

It's slower, more sensual, Liam's grin presses against Dizzee's jugular and he presses long, wet, open-mouthed kisses down the boy's neck.  A wet finger, two, three.  Dizzee feels his eyes sink back as heat rolls - his stomach, his chest, his cheeks turn rosy red in ecstasy.

The scissoring isn't as sexy as the finger fucking, but Dizzee understands its utmost importance and breathes deeply, accommodating for Thor's fingers until the latter is satisfied.

"Are you ready?" He asks, and Dizzee nods, squeezing Liam's pudgy sides.

"Hell yeah, been ready for days." Liam pauses, thumb tipping up Dizzee's chin.

"Are you ready?" And sometimes Dizzee forgets how seriously he takes consent, so he nods decisively.

"Yeah, Absolutely." Content, Liam draws Dizzee's legs around his hips with one hand and uses the other to guide himself inside.

Dizzee fully appreciates Liam's stretching beforehand, at this point.  He goes very slowly, kissing Dizzee's naval while he can reach and pausing with what must be an enormous about of self-restraint every couple of seconds.  Adjusting to his size isn't too much of an issue - Liam isn't massively well endowed - but the feeling of something so solid and unmoving is very unlike his prior experience with fingers and it weirds him out a little.

"I'm almost in, are you feeling okay?  You know if you start hurting, you have to let me know, right?" Dizzee knows he fucked up a bit last time he questioned Thor's safe sex practices, so he nods despite having heard it said probably a hundred times at this point.

"Yes to both?"

"Yes to both." He confirms, then feels it.  Thor's hips slide flush against his thighs and Dizzee closes his eyes.  He hears an intake of breath (are you okay?  Do you want me to move are you hurt did I do something wrong), so he lets out a blissed out groan in response, bites his lip and rolls his hips down on Liam's dick.  His boyfriend makes a sound like being punched, then gets a smug look from the boy under him.

When he starts moving, Dizzee gets used to a whole new experience of sex.  Liam's hands are holding Dizzee's lower ribs, pushing in smooth rolls that feel sensual and romantic but not overwhelmingly ecstatic, so he takes Liam's neck in his cupped hand and pulls him down to his face, whispers "This is lovely but do you think you can fuck me like you really mean it?" And his boyfriend shivers in response.  The first hard thrust knocks out his breath, the second punches out a gasp, and the third prompts an involuntary, and frankly embarrassing, moan from Dizzee's mouth.  Instead of undulating his hips, Liam pushes in and out, first slowly, then quicker.  The lube around his rim has dried substantially and it burns a little bit when Liam thrusts, but the friction is so good that he ignores it and focuses on his orgasm, coming much faster and hitting him much harder than before.  Liam's hand is pulling at him quickly, it's dry, too, which somehow makes it better and more intense, so he focuses hard on how fucking _good_ he feels, because he _does_ feel good and the pain is barely there and Liam looks so out of it and the _thought_ that he's feeling good because he's _inside Dizzee_?  Wild.

They both end up coming, grasping at one another, and thank god Liam remembered a condom because Dizzee definitely didn't.  He scoops up some jizz from his stomach and tries to lick it seductively but _ugh_ it tastes salty and bitter.  Liam collapses back on the canvas, blue and grey mixing under his back, laughing at Dizzee's gagging sounds and exhaling a long breath.  While he relaxes, boneless onto the canvas, Dizzee grabs a wet facecloth from the adjacent bathroom and cleans himself up, walks a little gingerly, and admires the work so far.  Grey and blue is all over the canvas, there are telltale handprints and the shape of an ass, back and arm imprints but mostly just lots of large blobs.  He slides down beside Liam and they share a love-laden stare until Dizzee's eyelids start drooping.

"Not gonna lie, a good fuck always makes me a little sleepy, let alone two.  Can I crash here and we finish tomorrow?" Liam nods in assent, a yawn bursting forth from his own kiss-swollen pink lips.

"Shower first.  You'll feel cleaner, and I don't want dry paint in my sheets." In grudging acquiescence, Dizzee limps to the bathroom, Thor in tow.  The latter frowns in concern when he tests the water, but after some sort of internal conflict, ignores it and joins Dizzee in the shower.  They don't get off because they're too tired, but Dizzee takes some time washing Liam's hair and Liam massages his boyfriend's back with soap.  At one point, Dizzee drops the soap and Thor gasps, laying a hand on Dizzee's back.

"Dizz, you're looking kind of red and swollen.  Was I too harsh?  You have to tell me when I'm hurting you … _fuck_."  Dizzee feels embarrassed as his boyfriend examines him, pushes his hand away and straightens up.

"You were fine, it was just a bit dry towards the end.  I'm okay, but really exhausted, can you lecture me tomorrow?" Liam winces, nods, finishes washing systematically and leaves Dizzee in the shower.  Great.  More sex problems.

When he's finished, he tries to cover up the hitch in his stride, but Liam looks heartbroken with every step he takes towards the bed.  They press close on the small mattress, Liam knocks off first, or pretends to, and Dizzee wishes it had turned out differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY i'm a slut for angst wtf also:
> 
> i know sex is super complicated like!! in the seventies they didn't give a shit about protected sex (hence the AIDS crisis) and consent culture wasn't really a thing but what the fuck i mean ... these characters are gonna go through shit from other people they may as well be safe when they're getting it on!! i'm so sick of m.o.g.a.i. characters fighting constant battles so i took some liberties and made sure my precious bubs are healthy and safe. don't give me shit for it I know it's probably anachronistic.


	5. everything we are will never die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Right. Look, Ra, I-"
> 
> "I'm gay, Diz. Or ... Something." Dizzee feels himself go still, tries to say something, anything, _it's okay, can you repeat that, so am i, are you sure, do you want a hug_ , but all he chokes out is "Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW IM SORRY god jesus christ i know i haven't ......... fuckin updated in forever. here's 2k of angst because i'm worried that my boys are becoming codependent and i need healthy relationships goddamit and if that has to occur through constructive time apart then i guess thats how we go. also ra ra is pan you can drag it from my hands.

Dizzee wakes up first this time, his eyes thick with sleep and limbs heavy.  He doesn't really want to move and his cheek is resting comfortably on Thor's ribcage.  Liam's ribcage.  Yesterday's activities come rushing back and his breath leaves him.  Right.  More discussions.

It isn't that he doesn't want to have a safe and healthy relationship with Liam, it's just that it requires so much more work.  He isn't used to having heavy discussions every time he gets intimate with someone.  Being with Liam is so intense sometimes, he's used to short and unfulfilling relationships, but for the first time he has someone on his wavelength.  It's just exhausting to be thrown into such a new relationship culture.  He loves women, he does, and he's had his fair share of amazing connections with girls, but he's starting to realise that  straight ideas of sex and gender and identity have been destructive and repressive.  He's had women ridicule  him for wearing women's clothes, he's had women break up with him for smiling at other women, he's had people assume that women belong to him by virtue of being in a relationship with him.  He's had sex when he wasn't interested and made out when he was uncomfortable and assumed that it was healthy.

Liam's stomach lifts and falls under Dizzee's head and he starts drawing patterns.  Beside the bed, a grey paint tin lies open, so he dips in his fingers in and draws patterns on Liam's stomach.  Dizzee still loves the way it moves under his hands, the softness and the way it bunches at his hips where Dizzee's own is stretched around muscle mass.

Sunlight sits on his legs, half off of Liam's mattress.  They're both still naked, Dizzee feels a little achy, but he's comfortable and safe enough to slip back asleep, fingertips grey and heart full.

*~*

When he wakes up again, Liam is sitting cross legged in front of him, a plastic bag and a small cardboard box  in his hands.

"Good morning, love.  I got breakfast." Dizzee groggily rubs his eyes and pulls himself up.  A record player is humming beside him, that Doctor Love joint that played at the club in Soho all those weeks ago, and the sweet smell of hot chocolate reaches his nose.

Liam takes out a bagel to share and a coffee for himself.  Dizzee takes a sip of his own beverage - Liam knows him well - and sighs.  This was brewed with hot water, textured milk, and genuine cocoa powder.  Almost like a barista.

"Where did you get this and how much did it cost?" Dizzee moans, tipping the sweet, sweet liquid down his throat despite his taste buds stinging in the heat.

"A trip down to the local community center run by Papa Fuerte, they have a drinks station with hot water, milk packets, sugar, and tea.  You know, beverages." Dizzee knows.  “I also gave one of the kitchen boys a blowjob two years ago, so he lets me use the coffee machine in the kitchen.” Dizzee swallows more of his hot chocolate and feels a pang of warmth in his chest for this boy who took the tube all the way down to the community center for Dizzee's breakfast.  If he was rich, he’d drink hot chocolate like this every morning and paint all day with Liam by his side.

"I feel like we need to talk about … our relationship and … how it's working." Thor purses his lips, toys with a segment of his bagel, and nods.  Dizzee doesn't know why he looks so forlorn.  This was good, right?  Communication.

"Yeah, I understand.  You're not used to this, right?" Except that's not completely it.  He's not used to having someone who takes him seriously and someone who cares so much about his emotional and sexual wellbeing.  He's had his fair share of relationships.

"I'm not, no.  M-my," Dizzee shakes his insecurities out and continues, "my past relationships failed in normal ways - my girlfriends weren't satisfied sexually, our interests were too different,  I weirded them out, we had different needs.  But … I feel like these aren't going to be a real issue for us because of your - our - focus on communication.  At the same time, I feel like there's not a lot of … freedom, I guess?  Like we can't spontaneously take a leap in the relationship, or we can't really have secrets, I dunno.  Saying it, I know that developing a-a relationship based on trust is infinitely more important  than simple things like that, but I've been involved in dysfunctional relationships for so long that … " Thor looks like he understands, so Dizzee doesn't finish.  They sit in silence for a few minutes.

"I was fourteen when I was kicked out," Liam says, scratching absent-mindedly at his shirt.  Dizzee can see his painting from earlier where the material rides up.  "I've been in that community and belonged to freedom for almost as long as I can remember.  It was through a string of relationships there that I, and people like me, discovered that conventional relationships and unhealthy relationships often weren’t mutually exclusive.  I'm twenty-one now, and I've had time to make mistakes.  I've hurt people before and I've been in relationships without healthy communication.  I know where it leads.  And I know that even if two people want to be together very much and are dedicated to maintaining a relationship, they still might not be compatible.  Dizzee, I-" Dizzee watches as Liam seems to get even more nervous.  "You're the first guy I've dated where … I'm not just dating you because you're a guy and you're available.  I've actually … I've actually fallen for you as a person, as an entity, and what that entails.  I'm in a queer relationship that's based on a mutual love for art and music, as opposed to a relationship based entirely on the fact that I'm attracted to a guy not put off by bisexuality." Dizzee takes his boyfriend's hand in his and strokes it slowly while Liam pushes out the words.  "I'm sorry if I'm overprotective or clingy to the point where it's off-putting, but I was head over heals almost immediately and I care for you to the point where the thought of hurting you is awful." Dizzee blinks a few times at the outburst, something less profound in mind for the conversation.

"I feel like I-" Dizzee turns their hands over so Liam's hand is over his, "I've fallen for you too, but … it's difficult for me to completely assimilate into this world you're in, especially since I live in a totally different one around my family.  It's … jarring, to say the least, when I switch between painting with you and eating with them.  I've been over here a lot lately and … I do love you, Liam.  But maybe I should keep my distance a bit.  This is my first relationship with a guy, you know." Liam's mouth pulls into a frown and he nods, conceding.

"I understand.” Dizzee smiles, a small thing, and takes Liam’s hand in his. There’s an intake of breath and Dizzee tenses slightly.  “I guess, I just feel like ... Like I'm being punished for caring too much." Dizzee's expression flattens and he sighs.  Audibly.

"You aren't being punished, Liam, I've got my own shit to deal with outside of you, okay?  My life doesn't start or end with you, I've got family and music to think about … fuck, music, I haven't practiced in ages and the Get Down Brothers are gonna be on my case about it." Liam looks sullen, but thankfully stays silent.  "I'm sorry, okay baby?  I'm sorry I can't come out to my parents, I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to move out, I'm sorry we can't have this perfect relationship, but god damn I should not have to remind you that we are from two very different places and very different realities.  You didn't do anything wrong, you're just too intense for me right now.  This isn't sustainable." He gets up, brushing of croissant crumbs and sighing. "More than anyone, you should know that I don't belong to you or anyone else.  I gotta do what's right for me, okay?  And right now, this relationship is not that." They stare at each other and Dizzee feels something chip at his heart.  He can hear his mom's voice telling him to settle down with a nice, neighbourhood girl.  After a beat of silence, he starts towards the door.

“Dizzee, I-” but the door cuts him off.

 

* * *

 

 

"Nice of you to grace us with your presence, pretty Dizzee D."  Dizzee knows he's been out of commission for too long, and takes the slight without complaint.  Boo immediately runs over, hugs him, then says "Everything okay?" Dizzee appreciates the fact that Boo wants to help, despite there being nothing that he could possibly contribute to the Liam situation.

"I'm good, Boo.  Just been out of town for a few months." His brother probably didn't understand what he meant, but that was okay.  He immediately realises that no one understands what he means, not while Liam is out.  With that thought smacking his heart into his ribcage, he takes his rhymes from Zeke and listens to the others bounce ideas back and forth.  Co-dependency is bad, Liam had said, very early on.  He had said "It's important to maintain our lives outside of one another and make sure we don't rely solely on one another.  That's dangerous." Dizzee closes his eyes and lets confusion take over for a few moments, before moving on.  This wasn't the time to think about his boyfriend.

 

* * *

 

They perform after school hours and on the school grounds, much to the chagrin of the faculty.  He doesn't see what the problem is, but it ends up being worth it.  Their pool of supporters grows tenfold, and even carrying the heavy equipment back from the hill and the three day suspension doesn't dampen the high they feel.  Dizzee kind of wants to experience it with Liam, but he ends up sharing a joint between the five of them and strengthening his love for them, too.  He doesn't forget about Liam, but experiences what is almost a reconciliation.  Of past negligence.  Ra keeps giving him significant looks, so he joins him on the roof while Zeke, Boo, and Shao party inside.

"I'm sorry for confronting you about ... You and Thor.  It was bad of me." Dizzee remembers the entire fiasco and closes his eyes.  God, he really had been out for a few months.  He takes a deep breath and prepares to hold his ground -

"Right.  Look, Ra, I-"

"I'm gay, Diz.  Or ... Something." Dizzee feels himself go still, tries to say something, anything, _it's okay, can you repeat that, so am i, are you sure, do you want a hug_ , but all he chokes out is "Fuck."

"I thought you and Thor were ... I dunno, I figured it was okay if I started seeing someone since you were, I wouldn't be alone, but," Had Dizzee been so obsessed with Liam that he'd stopped being perceptive?  With a jolt, he realises that he hasn’t had a conversation with Ra in weeks.  He hasn’t taken Boo to the train yards in months.

"No- uh, yeah, I-we, um.  Are you seeing someone, then?" Ra looks at him, face crumbling.

"Are you weirded out?  Fuck, I did not want tonight to go like this.  I had a plan and I-"

"Ra, it's okay.  I- Thor and I, we're on a bit of a break, but I'm ... I'm bisexual.  Even when I’m not his boyfriend. " It's the first time he's revealed so much about himself in one go.  It’s the first time he’s called himself bisexual.  He remembers when Liam was talking about it and the resonant hum in his chest at belonging to something.  Ra looks at him, proud sort of, still probably a little confused at all the information, but definitely relieved.  Dizzee feels like the knots around his chest are loosening, the ropes pulling his ribs into shape are slipping - the first time being queer out loud is something liberating.  Ra cocks his head to the side.

"Bi means two right?  Like boy and girl?" Dizzee thinks about the girls at the club, the ones who toy with gender and treat it like it's nothing.  Because they were beautiful, too.  So many incredible beings and not enough words.  Boy and girl seem so … irrelevant.

"Like sex and romance, like masculinity and femininity, like everything and nothing, like I could love the whole world if I tried, Ra." He expects Ra to roll his eyes or scoff.  Instead, he gets a gentle nod.

"I get that.  The whole world thing.  I've been seeing ... Um." He seems hesitant to spit it out, so Dizzee laughs.

"It's fine, you can admit to liking a boy."

"It's not that ... I'm ... Okay, you know the Notorious Three?" Dizzee's eyes widen.  No way.

"You dating a Herculoid, Ra?"

"You're dating a white boy, Diz, don't come to me with that shit." Dizzee lets out a raucous laugh because his brother is dating a _Herc_.  He counts the members of the Notorious Three and gasps.

"Do not tell me you are dating MC Luke Skywalker Cage." Ra's blush says it all. Dizzee's screams of laughter bounce off all the tiny alleyways.  Ra looks less than amused.

"I cannot believe you found the one boy to sate your Star Wars fantasies and boned him."

"We haven't boned!" Ra hisses, "and tell the entire world why don't you?"

"Are you sure?" Dizzee asks, grin not failing to leave his face.  "Are you sure you didn't have sex with Luke Skywalker?" Ra blows a raspberry at his brother and goes inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya okay it's .... i'm .... stretching it out. i'm sorry. i know i suck. love yall though. they'll be happy one day.
> 
> **edit** rebloggable version is [here ](https://351319.tumblr.com/post/161092263140/take-me)

**Author's Note:**

> i have a tumblr @hardlystraight so check me out and harrass me for updates idk maybe just be my friend ,, i'm so lonely ,,, none of my friends watch the get down


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